Author: mgmZen

There seems to be a shift in one’s perception when someone we love is suddenly taken from us without warning. Death, in any situation, is difficult, but the sudden, unexpected death of a loved one is a harsh shock to the senses that is not easily processed. Such is the experience of losing David a few weeks ago.

David was as much a brother to me as any biological sibling could be, perhaps more so because we chose him. He and my sister dated briefly, and during that time, some thirty years ago, he became a part of the fabric of our family. He and Dad, having both served in the military during the Viet Nam conflict, had a connection beyond their affinity for hunting and fishing. Having no father in the picture, David found that father figure in my Dad, was the son my parents didn’t have, and a brother to me.

When my Dad passed in 1996, we all mourned together as a family. When my Mom passed this past October, we also mourned as a family. And when David passed a few weeks ago, it felt as if the family, the legacy of all those years shared, was lost… and the sudden nature of his death has made it seem surreal… acceptance is a slow, measured process.

Remembering David is a simple task… he is always there… his smile, his easy laugh, and the kindness that is his legacy. I don’t know what lies beyond this plane of existence, but as I have experienced the passing of loved ones, I am certain there is something there. I have seen glimpses as that thin veil between life and death was lifted, and it is certainly a place of peace.

I imagine him there in the welcoming presence of my parents… home…

 

get on the road to happy destiny…

No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path. ~ Buddha

Practice reframing: Remember that things are what we say they are. Sometimes you need to reinterpret events in a more positive way. Change your inner dialogue, change your language. If you stop declaring your experiences to be problems and define them as situations instead, you’ll instantly feel differently about them. Everything is in our world because somewhere, at some point, we said yes to it. But the choice is yours as to how you view the things that show up. Problems create upset and stress, situations, on the other hand, are simply events to be dealt with. Go ahead, begin to reframe and you’ll start to feel a whole lot better.

Practice friendship: Be your own best friend and stop being your worst critic. Happy people approve of themselves and give themselves permission to be who they want to be. Stop looking for someone else to tell you you’re okay. It sends you on a never-ending search for validation. You don’t need someone else to tell you what you’re worth. You’re a miracle. Never say anything about you that you don’t want to come true. And stop paying more attention to the opinion of others than of yourself.  Once you decide to believe in yourself, to accept yourself, to honor and respect yourself you’ll discover the world will follow suit. Decide to feel terrific about who you are.  

Practice new thinking: We all think we’re thinking, but truthfully, most of the time it’s just mental activity; don’t confuse a busy mind with a thinking one. Undirected mental activity won’t bring about change.  Undirected thoughts won’t alter the course of your life or remake your destiny. And they definitely won’t bring about better things when you’re experiencing the ‘life sucks’ mode. Make a conscious effort. – You won’t automatically direct your thoughts towards the things you want and the life you truly desire.   You must stir yourself, rise-up and decide you’re going to keep moving forward. A positive-thinking mind is a magnet for what you desire. Try thinking from the heart, it’s a great way to move beyond the challenges of the day. 

Practice handling new ideas: New ideas, new activity can turn a downward trend up. The downside can be that growing yourself means growing apart from those who would like you to stay just the way you are. Be prepared.  If you change, if you begin to take new actions, or speak in a new way not everyone will be supportive. Stick with those who are true friends. The one’s who support you no matter what. The ones who always and only imagine you having the best life possible. The greatest difficulty isn’t having a new idea – it’s getting away from the old ones. Life is too short to struggle with those who want you to remain a prisoner of your past. Be willing to accept others for who they are, but keep moving forward towards who you’re becoming.   

Practice optimism: Optimism is one quality more associated with success and happiness than any other. Magic lives in optimism. What’s the ratio of your positive words to your negative ones? You’re creating an optimistic or pessimistic outlook by the language you use. Plus, the things you think and say give you some clues as to your future success and happiness. It’s a real challenge for some people to pay attention to their thoughts, especially in the beginning. If this is the case for you, try this:

My-Best-Possible-Self Exercise:

All you need is a place to write and think and imagine. Take twenty or thirty minutes to imagine your life next year, in five years, or in ten. Everything is just as you want it to be, it all turned out fabulously. You’re living the life of your dreams. Write it down. What does it look like, how do you feel, what are you doing? What amazing things have you accomplished? Don’t worry about how you did it, just that you have. Get the best out of this happiness activity – be persistent. Consistent practice helps you build your optimist muscle. Write daily for the next ninety (90) days. Positive journaling is a practice you can use every day for the rest of your life.

Special thanks to: https://livepurposefullynow.com

 

Most people HATE taking responsibility for their actions because it’s so much easier to blame someone else for their problems than to realize – and accept – that their problems are usually of their own making.

Blaming is easy…  “Oh, life dealt me a bad hand, better just lie down and let life continue to kick the crap out of me.”  It’s like saying “I’m already broke, why not just spend a little more, what’s one more going to hurt?”  Well, you’re going to continue being broke unless you change the way you spend, just like your life is going to continue to suck unless you change the way you live.

To change your life, you must change your perceptions.  You must accept that you will experience failure and disappointment, it’s the consequence of taking risks, learning new skills and trying new things.  You must understand that things won’t always work out in your favor the way you would like, and that life owes you nothing.  Then you must change how you react to all those situations and experiences.  You can throw your hands up and settle for a life that sucks or you can decide to take some action and change it;  after all, no one said life was going to be easy… “No one ever promised you a rose garden.”  (Sing along with me!)  You can create a list of people to blame for why your life sucks;  you can blame your parents, your teachers, your friends, your boss, but at the end of the day it all comes down to you.  It comes down to what kind of person you want to be, the kind of life you want to live, and what you’re willing to do differently to create a better life.  If you want to stop living a sucky life, then make the necessary changes. If you don’t know what kind of changes you need to make to improve your life… ask for help from someone who’s life doesn’t suck… or get help from a psychotherapist or counselor.

If you are truly committed to changing your life for the better, you will find a way.  If not, you’ll blame someone else and find an excuse to make yourself feel better temporarily about your miserable life.  Every single person has a choice as to how they’re going to live.  You can wish for and say you want to change your life but until you change your mind, commit to a better life, and begin to take some different actions, nothing will change.  Again, if you don’t know what actions you need to take to improve your life… ask for help from someone that does.  Life is meant to be a trial and error journey…

Life can be tough at times, that’s no secret.  But the question is, what are you going to do about it?  Are you going to sit back and continue to let life dump on you, continue to be a victim of circumstance, or are you going to get up and act as if the life you want is within your reach? Moaning and groaning may make you feel better in the moment, but will get you nowhere.  Bad things happen to all of us but complaining is a waste of energy, because at the end of the day who really cares about your life and your problems more than you do?  If you don’t care enough to do something to improve your life, then it’s going to continue to suck.  You can complain that you didn’t get the promotion and talk about how much you deserved it until you’re blue in the face, but the truth is you’re the only one that is affected by it.  People can tell you how sorry they are, how it’s not fair, how you deserved the promotion, but at the end of the day, you are the only one that is going to lose sleep over it.

Blaming others won’t get you anywhere, instead, it might be time to take responsibility for your own actions.  If you want a good life – a life that sucks less – you must create it.  It’s time to stop blaming the world for your problems, put the past behind you, let go of all those injustices you believe you have suffered and move forward by owning your mistakes, taking responsibility for your part in all the things that made your life suck up to now, and begin again.  Each of the moments of your life have led you to where you are right now.  Every experience you’ve had, good, bad, or indifferent, is valuable information that you can use to create the life you desire. Information is power, let that information fuel your efforts toward something better. Information used to make positive change is wisdom.  You are wise, only you can look at your life see what behaviors have prolonged your misery and what behaviors may make things better.

It’s truly amazing how people will take offense to the suggestion that they are responsible for the quality of their life.  Your choices and your actions have led you where you are today.  You can choose to be a victim of circumstance or you can choose to be positive and see the opportunity in every situation.  Your happiness is your choice.  You are the only person holding yourself back from your dreams.  You are the reason you’re unhappy, you are the reason your relationships are unhealthy or unsatisfying, you are the reason things remain the same.

You are the reason your life sucks.  It all comes down to you.  It comes down to your perception, your outlook on life, your ability to take responsibility for your actions and your willingness to make sacrifices and changes when and where they are needed.  If you want a life that doesn’t suck, you must believe in a better life, you must behave in more positive ways, and stop blaming and making excuses to justify your unhappiness.  Suffering is optional.  Stuff happens, you learn something valuable that informs future decisions, you choose to see opportunities rather than failures, when you feel stuck you reach out and ask for help, and you begin to look for the things you want in your life. Whatever you look for is what you will find because “to a hammer everything looks like a nail.”  If you don’t like where you are, move… you are not a tree.  Fall down seven times, get up eight… and before you know it… your life doesn’t suck.  It’s your choice.

 

I can hear you now… “another the meaning of life article… really?”

Okay, the truth is, no one really knows the meaning of life for anyone… maybe not even for themselves.  It is through the process of living one day after another that we eventually begin to gain some sense of what does and does not have meaning for us.

For me, this process has been long and static… a day to day experience of trial and error… involving relationships, jobs, educational pursuits, and the changes that flow from all of these interrelated pieces of my life. And the interesting thing about this process is the reality that what was meaningful ten years ago, or last month, or perhaps even last week, may not hold the same level of importance in my life today.  So, what is it that consistently gives meaning to life?

It takes about one Google second to discover that there are scads of opinions out there as to what is the meaning of life.  If you read a little further, you may find that most of these wind their way toward some rendering of a god-concept… and actually, most religions would say, in their own vernacular, that life is a test from god.  If that works for you, fine.  I am not going to ‘go there’, because meaning is a deeply personal and individual thing that each person must come to independently.  It’s bigger than preferring apples to oranges, but it is safe to say that even those small differences contribute to an individual’s self-defined purpose.

How do you define “meaning” in your life?  That is really the question… how do YOU create and define the meaning of your life?

I can’t answer that question for you, but I can share a few things I have done along the way that have moved me closer to finding the meaning of my life…

• Throw away the rule book…  how many of us have grown up in families that held out expectations of what our life would look like… the right schools, the right jobs, the right spouse?  Most of us don’t realize that we are living a life that someone else programmed us to live.  That sounds harsh, but if you really think about it, where did those life goals come from?

I taught undergraduate social psychology and one of the most amazing things about that particular subject is that it forces us to look behind the curtain of what we assume… it is the science of how we think, feel and act in a social context.  An example of this is ‘conformity‘… Conformity is a type of social influence involving a change in an individual’s belief or behavior to fit in with a group.  Internalization is one type of conformity, where the individual genuinely accepts the group norms.  The first social group we belong to is our family where we learn what normal thought and behavior is… and then one day we move away from our family and begin to see other families do things differently.  So, normal depends on who’s defining it… right?

If you have suppressed desires or aspirations in favor of what the rules dictate, maybe it’s time to toss out the rule book and follow your heart.  When you begin to make it up as you go along and discover the types of experiences and relationships that bring joy and fulfillment to you, you will be on your way to finding the meaning of your life.

• Step into your Stretch Zone… each of has a comfort zone, that place or psychological state where we feel safe, at ease, and in control of our environment.  We also have a panic zone, that place or psychological state where we may be overwhelmed by fear and feel a complete loss of control and security.  Somewhere in between those two extremes lies our stretch zone, the place or psychological state just beyond our secure environment where we can explore the unknown.

Social pedagogy refers to this stretch zone as the learning zone… “Only in the Learning Zone can we grow and learn, live out our curiosity and make new discoveries, and thus slowly expand our Comfort Zone by becoming more familiar with more things. Going into our Learning Zone is a borderline experience – we feel we’re exploring the edge of our abilities, our limits, how far we dare to leave our Comfort Zone. (learning zone model)” 

Stepping into your stretch zone creates an opportunity to challenge yourself, to take small risks, to venture into unknown territory.  While frightening at times, these experiences are cumulative… and the more new things you experience the higher the odds are that you will stumble upon something or someone you love.  Your comfort zone continues to grow in the process… just think of learning to ride a bicycle for the first time… for me it was a series of skinned knees and bruised elbows (because I am basically a klutz)… but it was worth the effort.  I can honestly say that most of my journeys into the unknown turned out to be just as satisfying.  Step into your stretch zone, face your fears and grow.

• Find your bliss and follow it… what makes you happy, gives you that electric feeling, etches a smile across your face every time you do it?  If you don’t know the answer to that question, don’t you think it’s about time you did?

Find out what it is that lights you up… traveling to distant places… being of service to others… sharing time with family… making music with your peeps… writing poetry… diving or snorkeling in the warm, clear water of the Caribbean?  You may need to prioritize fun in your life… find your bliss, your joy, and follow where it leads you.

I have always been an explorer… new places, new ideas, new relationships… I can walk along a beach and completely lose myself in the tiny, colored shells littering the sand, the feeling of the sun on my face, the sound of the waves lapping against the shore, the smell of the ocean.  Those are the moments that inspire me, connect me to the earth, and make me feel alive.  Life is richer and more palpable when we infuse it with those things and people that we love.  Find a way to add to the bliss in your life and then follow where it leads you.

• Trust your gut… pay attention to your intuition, it will guide you.  Every time we come to a place of indecision, our intuition is there.  It is that gut feeling of negativity and foreboding that informs us when we have made the wrong choice, or that sense of ease and lightness when our choice feels right.

Don’t overthink it… trust your first impressions… your gut will keep you out of harm’s way and lead you toward a life of meaning and depth.

Be where you are… so many of us spend the majority of our lives somewhere in our heads, having conversations about the what-ifs and all of the stories we tell ourselves while our lives are slipping away.  How many of you have gotten in your car, driven to work, and upon getting out of your car you realize you don’t remember the drive at all?  How often have you wondered if you remembered to turn off the coffee pot or lock the door or… ?  Muscle memory… those are examples of not being where you are, fully.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. – Buddha

Mindfulness is a way to practice being where you are, whether that means you are completely present while washing the dishes or running on the treadmill or listening to your boss or reading this article.  The mind has a mind of its own… it goes off on its little curiosities and leaves us standing there in a trance… spacing out… somewhere else, anywhere else, particularly if we really don’t want to be where we are at that moment.  That’s why meditation is so frustrating at times, because we tell ourselves we are going to sit and meditate on our breath and all of a sudden we realize that our mind is in the kitchen trying to decide what to have for dinner.  It takes practice and determination and gentleness with ourselves to bring the mind back to where we are… focus on the flame, the breath, the feel of dishwater on our hands, the motion of our body as we run on the treadmill, the texture of the paper of the book as we read.

If we can just be where we are, life is manageable in this moment.  Whatever is happening in this very moment is enough, perfect, and rife with meaning.  This is where we are, right now… explore this moment… ground yourself in now… what do you smell, what is the temperature of the space you are in, how do your clothes feel against your skin, what sounds do you hear… engage all of your senses and be where you are.

• Be all-in… in life, you are either all-in or all-out.  You simply can’t find meaning in a life lived on the fence.  In order to be all-in you have to be willing to give your time and energy to something you believe in.  That requires action… not just the “I’d really like to do that” thought and intention, but taking actions that move you closer to the life you envision.

Simply stated, if something is important to you, like living a meaningful life, you actually have to live.  Being all-in involves bringing together all of those things we have discussed previously… throw out other people’s rules for you, take risks, trust your gut, find and follow your bliss, and be fully present in your life.  If you don’t give yourself completely to the process of living and learning and experiencing, then you are selling yourself short.  It is a simple formula…

Do the right thing at the right time as well as you can every time you do it.   -Buddha

If you want to think of this as making a commitment to yourself to live fully with integrity and purpose, then find out what that looks like for you and follow through.  We do this in many areas of our life… sports, family, work… in order to be good at something, we know we have to practice.  The better we become at that thing we love, the more we realize that it isn’t something we have to do but something we want to do.

I taught myself to play the guitar.  The more I played, the easier it was, and the more enjoyment it gave me.  In the beginning, it was work… my fingertips developed blisters that hurt, I couldn’t get my hands to hold the chords consistently, and the music just didn’t sound the way I imagined it should.  With practice my fingers developed calluses, my hands became stronger and more familiar with the frets on the neck of my guitar, and the music improved.  When my fingertips were blistered and swollen, I had to be all-in to keep practicing… because I wanted to be able to play the guitar.

So, although I don’t know the meaning of life for you, I think I get closer to knowing the meaning of life for myself each day I live fully.  I am happier and more contented with myself and the world around me.  I don’t have all the answers, but I’m not afraid of the questions.