The Meaning Of Life… fetch. focus. flow.

I can hear you now… “another the meaning of life article… really?”

Okay, the truth is, no one really knows the meaning of life for anyone… maybe not even for themselves.  It is through the process of living one day after another that we eventually begin to gain some sense of what does and does not have meaning for us.

For me, this process has been long and static… a day to day experience of trial and error… involving relationships, jobs, educational pursuits, and the changes that flow from all of these interrelated pieces of my life. And the interesting thing about this process is the reality that what was meaningful ten years ago, or last month, or perhaps even last week, may not hold the same level of importance in my life today.  So, what is it that consistently gives meaning to life?

It takes about one Google second to discover that there are scads of opinions out there as to what is the meaning of life.  If you read a little further, you may find that most of these wind their way toward some rendering of a god-concept… and actually, most religions would say, in their own vernacular, that life is a test from god.  If that works for you, fine.  I am not going to ‘go there’, because meaning is a deeply personal and individual thing that each person must come to independently.  It’s bigger than preferring apples to oranges, but it is safe to say that even those small differences contribute to an individual’s self-defined purpose.

How do you define “meaning” in your life?  That is really the question… how do YOU create and define the meaning of your life?

I can’t answer that question for you, but I can share a few things I have done along the way that have moved me closer to finding the meaning of my life…

• Throw away the rule book…  how many of us have grown up in families that held out expectations of what our life would look like… the right schools, the right jobs, the right spouse?  Most of us don’t realize that we are living a life that someone else programmed us to live.  That sounds harsh, but if you really think about it, where did those life goals come from?

I taught undergraduate social psychology and one of the most amazing things about that particular subject is that it forces us to look behind the curtain of what we assume… it is the science of how we think, feel and act in a social context.  An example of this is ‘conformity‘… Conformity is a type of social influence involving a change in an individual’s belief or behavior to fit in with a group.  Internalization is one type of conformity, where the individual genuinely accepts the group norms.  The first social group we belong to is our family where we learn what normal thought and behavior is… and then one day we move away from our family and begin to see other families do things differently.  So, normal depends on who’s defining it… right?

If you have suppressed desires or aspirations in favor of what the rules dictate, maybe it’s time to toss out the rule book and follow your heart.  When you begin to make it up as you go along and discover the types of experiences and relationships that bring joy and fulfillment to you, you will be on your way to finding the meaning of your life.

• Step into your Stretch Zone… each of has a comfort zone, that place or psychological state where we feel safe, at ease, and in control of our environment.  We also have a panic zone, that place or psychological state where we may be overwhelmed by fear and feel a complete loss of control and security.  Somewhere in between those two extremes lies our stretch zone, the place or psychological state just beyond our secure environment where we can explore the unknown.

Social pedagogy refers to this stretch zone as the learning zone… “Only in the Learning Zone can we grow and learn, live out our curiosity and make new discoveries, and thus slowly expand our Comfort Zone by becoming more familiar with more things. Going into our Learning Zone is a borderline experience – we feel we’re exploring the edge of our abilities, our limits, how far we dare to leave our Comfort Zone. (learning zone model)” 

Stepping into your stretch zone creates an opportunity to challenge yourself, to take small risks, to venture into unknown territory.  While frightening at times, these experiences are cumulative… and the more new things you experience the higher the odds are that you will stumble upon something or someone you love.  Your comfort zone continues to grow in the process… just think of learning to ride a bicycle for the first time… for me it was a series of skinned knees and bruised elbows (because I am basically a klutz)… but it was worth the effort.  I can honestly say that most of my journeys into the unknown turned out to be just as satisfying.  Step into your stretch zone, face your fears and grow.

• Find your bliss and follow it… what makes you happy, gives you that electric feeling, etches a smile across your face every time you do it?  If you don’t know the answer to that question, don’t you think it’s about time you did?

Find out what it is that lights you up… traveling to distant places… being of service to others… sharing time with family… making music with your peeps… writing poetry… diving or snorkeling in the warm, clear water of the Caribbean?  You may need to prioritize fun in your life… find your bliss, your joy, and follow where it leads you.

I have always been an explorer… new places, new ideas, new relationships… I can walk along a beach and completely lose myself in the tiny, colored shells littering the sand, the feeling of the sun on my face, the sound of the waves lapping against the shore, the smell of the ocean.  Those are the moments that inspire me, connect me to the earth, and make me feel alive.  Life is richer and more palpable when we infuse it with those things and people that we love.  Find a way to add to the bliss in your life and then follow where it leads you.

• Trust your gut… pay attention to your intuition, it will guide you.  Every time we come to a place of indecision, our intuition is there.  It is that gut feeling of negativity and foreboding that informs us when we have made the wrong choice, or that sense of ease and lightness when our choice feels right.

Don’t overthink it… trust your first impressions… your gut will keep you out of harm’s way and lead you toward a life of meaning and depth.

Be where you are… so many of us spend the majority of our lives somewhere in our heads, having conversations about the what-ifs and all of the stories we tell ourselves while our lives are slipping away.  How many of you have gotten in your car, driven to work, and upon getting out of your car you realize you don’t remember the drive at all?  How often have you wondered if you remembered to turn off the coffee pot or lock the door or… ?  Muscle memory… those are examples of not being where you are, fully.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. – Buddha

Mindfulness is a way to practice being where you are, whether that means you are completely present while washing the dishes or running on the treadmill or listening to your boss or reading this article.  The mind has a mind of its own… it goes off on its little curiosities and leaves us standing there in a trance… spacing out… somewhere else, anywhere else, particularly if we really don’t want to be where we are at that moment.  That’s why meditation is so frustrating at times, because we tell ourselves we are going to sit and meditate on our breath and all of a sudden we realize that our mind is in the kitchen trying to decide what to have for dinner.  It takes practice and determination and gentleness with ourselves to bring the mind back to where we are… focus on the flame, the breath, the feel of dishwater on our hands, the motion of our body as we run on the treadmill, the texture of the paper of the book as we read.

If we can just be where we are, life is manageable in this moment.  Whatever is happening in this very moment is enough, perfect, and rife with meaning.  This is where we are, right now… explore this moment… ground yourself in now… what do you smell, what is the temperature of the space you are in, how do your clothes feel against your skin, what sounds do you hear… engage all of your senses and be where you are.

• Be all-in… in life, you are either all-in or all-out.  You simply can’t find meaning in a life lived on the fence.  In order to be all-in you have to be willing to give your time and energy to something you believe in.  That requires action… not just the “I’d really like to do that” thought and intention, but taking actions that move you closer to the life you envision.

Simply stated, if something is important to you, like living a meaningful life, you actually have to live.  Being all-in involves bringing together all of those things we have discussed previously… throw out other people’s rules for you, take risks, trust your gut, find and follow your bliss, and be fully present in your life.  If you don’t give yourself completely to the process of living and learning and experiencing, then you are selling yourself short.  It is a simple formula…

Do the right thing at the right time as well as you can every time you do it.   -Buddha

If you want to think of this as making a commitment to yourself to live fully with integrity and purpose, then find out what that looks like for you and follow through.  We do this in many areas of our life… sports, family, work… in order to be good at something, we know we have to practice.  The better we become at that thing we love, the more we realize that it isn’t something we have to do but something we want to do.

I taught myself to play the guitar.  The more I played, the easier it was, and the more enjoyment it gave me.  In the beginning, it was work… my fingertips developed blisters that hurt, I couldn’t get my hands to hold the chords consistently, and the music just didn’t sound the way I imagined it should.  With practice my fingers developed calluses, my hands became stronger and more familiar with the frets on the neck of my guitar, and the music improved.  When my fingertips were blistered and swollen, I had to be all-in to keep practicing… because I wanted to be able to play the guitar.

So, although I don’t know the meaning of life for you, I think I get closer to knowing the meaning of life for myself each day I live fully.  I am happier and more contented with myself and the world around me.  I don’t have all the answers, but I’m not afraid of the questions.